Tuesday, June 06, 2006

In Celebration of 6/6/6

Here's a piece I wrote a couple of years ago that I think is fitting for today.

Quinto die ante Kalendas Mai; secundo anno Domitian imperatore

Uzgoroth, secretary to Lucifer (king of demons, incarnation of Satan, etc.), to John of Patmos, author of the Revelation: I hope this letter finds you in fair health, and greetings to you.

I recently read your latest work, “Revelation.” This is a most excellent piece of writing, and being a particular eschatology aficionado, I enjoyed your account of events depicted therein. The numerical symbolism was especially thought provoking: I understand the number seven as perfection and the number six as imperfection (although this displays a clear bias toward your side), but I am a little unsure as to the significance of the number ten. Perhaps this can be clarified somewhat in a future printing.

Now there are a few points on which I feel you must be corrected. Foremost, you refer to the “harlot Damascus” several times throughout your work, chiefly in Chapter 17. I, or acquaintances of mine, have been to Damascus on many occasions, and I have complained (heard complaints, that is) far too often of how un-harlotrous she actually is. There is no doubt in my mind that you actually mean Babylon, for my acquaintances tell me that there is much in Babylon that might be compared to harlotry.

Secondly, although one cannot know the exact outcome of the great battle at the End of Days, you purport to know that your side will be victorious. While I know I cannot dissuade you from this opinion, I feel it is my duty to correct an egregious inaccuracy regarding the location of the battle. As is evident from Chapter 16, your account has the battle happening in Judea, near Hebron, and your “victorious” armies then moving northward toward Jerusalem. This description should properly refer to the battle at Meggido in Samaria, then our victorious army moving south to Jerusalem. This battle is to be known as Armageddon, after all.

Finally, according to your account, again in Chapter 16, the three demonic spirits assigned to perform works to the world resemble alligators. While their amphibious reptilian nature cannot be denied, I believe (if my notes are in fact veritable) that these spirits are planned to resemble frogs more closely than alligators. It would be somewhat impractical for the Prophet (the one whom you refer to as the “False” Prophet) to be forced to emit such a creature from his mouth.

By the way, I was most interested in knowing in your true identity. Is it true that you were actually one of the original disciples of the Prochrist, as the rumors claim? If this reckoning is accurate, then you would be about ninety years old, and I am afraid to say that my sources inform me that lifespans lasting this long will not be common or even attainable until about eighteen hundred years from now. Granted, “John” is a fairly common name, but perhaps you should consider signing your eschatological work as “John*” and affix the appropriate footnote explaining your identity. I would (you will admit, understandably) not want to go through the editing process with you only to have the work not published because of issues concerning the author’s identity.

Please correct these inaccuracies posthaste or I am afraid that legal action must be brought against you. As my organization and I both realize that neither defamation of character nor false forecast of events was intended by your writing, we hope that a future edition will make these necessary changes so that you may avoid recourse. I would also encourage you to write in the future; perhaps essays on current would events would be in order… if the Emperor Domitian sees fit to release you from prison.

The blessings of your (false) deity be with you,


Currently listening: Deadbeat Sweetheartbeat, The Juliana Theory; and My Flame Burns Blue, Elvis Costello

1 comment:

Gina said...

Hahaha. That was mildly amusing.